well, lets be honest.

‘You don’t have to pretend to be alright. You hear me? If you’re not alright, the worst thing you can do is pretend that you are. Because nobody’s going to know to encourage you and you could be dying on the inside. If you’re dying on the inside, you need to be dying on the outside. You need to flush so much of this religious jargon garbage down the toilet. Jesus loved honest people, even honest people who were so ashamed of what they were being honest about that they couldn’t talk to him, they could only sob. “The broken and contrite in spirit, I do not despise.’ -Matt Chandler

Something that I have noticed about myself recently is how much I try to run away from what I’m going through. All the while I tell my friends and people who look up to me that they need to be honest with themselves and the life they are living-if you’re going through something tough, don’t run away and get upset that no one came after you. Not once had it occurred to me that I myself was trying to find the best hiding spot I could. 

Before coming into college I got coffee with all of the seniors from my youth group and our youth pastor and his friend who is involved with a campus ministry at UNL. That night we talked about how difficult college was going to be, not just educational wise or the temptation to party, but that for the first time in our lives we would be fully trusting God. Before moving out on our own and facing the world without our parents, we were ‘trusting’ God to an extent but we also had our families safety net to fall back on. Growing up would mean no more parents there to fall back on, but simply God. 

While most of the people around me were starting to get scared, I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to see where God was going to take me, what friends He was going to place around me, and what rainbows from the storms He was going to produce in my life. 

The campus ministry guy had mentioned that the hardest part of our journey would be that we would have to actively and purposely pursue God. Going to church on Sundays probably wasn’t going to cut it. He told us to get involved with many campus ministries and bible studies and make them a high priority. Because if we didn’t, he said that saddest thing was that the kids he has talked to about college they honestly think their relationship with God is the best they have ever had, and he said that it was so clear that while they were not moving forward with their relationship, they had moved farther away. 

I’m not sure why I thought of this today, but it made me realize that while I am involved with a wonderful campus ministry and bible studies and surrounded by one of the best christian communities I have found, I still feel empty. My prayer life since college started? its gotten pushed out of the way from homework and any sleep I can find time for. Reading my bible? Only at bible study, and rarely on my own. Church on Sunday’s isn’t enough for me; I’m still thirsty for more. Don’t get me wrong, I love God with my whole heart, but what is failing is my actions and my attitude in response to that. 

So this is all I can think to do- I don’t want to run anymore, so this is me letting you guys know that I’m struggling.

xoxo