Teens Encounter Christ

This is an essay that I wrote for my english class this semester. It is a subculture essay and we were supposed to recreate a moment, while changing some details and placing the reader in the moment. Enjoy:)

It normally smells like wet dog, but the aroma of Hawaiian Aloha fills the room. The door never opens and when it does it is for a brief moment when we walk into the conference room for a talk or coming back for pray down. It’s the mix of sweat, tears, vulnerability, and laughs that the smell originates from, all covered with the mask of junk food. While the lights are normally on, this time they are off with only the dim pink Christmas lights that Alye brought that show just the very outlines of people’s bodies.

Alye is obsessed with the color pink. She has everything from a pink T.V. to a pink Christmas tree and everything in between. She’s wearing jeans and a cute shirt, but totally rocking her curly brown hair in a ponytail. She’s a 28 year old who is proudly stuck in a teenager’s body. She’s one of those people you can’t help but like. She talks in a high-pitched voice that makes even the meanest things she says sound like she is giving you a compliment. “You’re berry beautiful!” she would always say with this enormous smile that was so infectious that you couldn’t help but believe what she was saying was true.

With the faint light and barely audible acoustic music playing in the background, Alye ushers all 11 of us to sit down off in the corner. There are pillows mixing in size and shape and blankets all scattered around the floor, we all pick spots and get cozy. I plop myself next to Jenna, my prayer partner, and look at her with a worried expression. She squints and smiles at me while squeezing my hand, silently telling me that everything is going to be fine and not to be afraid. Just five minutes was all it took for Jenna to become my best friend. Her light brown hair just barely lies on her shoulders as she strives to make people feel at home while causing everyone to burst into laughter. Nonstop giggling and getting shushed by the adults became a continuous thing throughout the weekend. Alye interrupts our incoherent conversation with her cheery voice calmly telling us our next activity for the night.

Being apart of the Wheat Team at TEC was considered an honor. The purpose of the team is to constantly be in prayer over the weekend- for the workers, the students who would be experiencing God’s love, and for there to be changed lives. In order to submit ourselves to pray for others, we had to let go of our selfishness. I guess the only way to do that is to ask God to do it for us, so that’s what we did.

The panic starts to set in as I realize what she just told us. Did I really have to let go of my insecurities and tell a room full of people that I had only known for 6 hours, at best, what I struggled with? Not only did I have to tell them about it, I had to let them in on the most intimate conversation between my creator and myself. The room, that was already dark, seemed to get darker by the second as I felt my heart pound and with more apprehension I search the room looking for the only person who I could think to calm me down. She grabs my hand almost before I find her face but instead of squeezing confidence into me, she’s clutching out of fear.  Although Jenna was right next to me, it felt like she was on the other side of the room. This time instead of giving me that smile that seemed to make everything endurable, it was like I was looking into a mirror. She pulled my ear close to her mouth so she could barely whisper, “I am not about pray out loud while everyone listens. Can I just tell everyone what it is that I’m scared about instead of pray about it?” I hear the squeaky voice say that it’s scary, but we were going to do it anyways. “Don’t worry”, Jenna says, “you just have to say something. Nothing too deep if you don’t want to...just say school work or friends.”

After everyone is done looking into each other’s faces making sure we all felt the same way, Alye opens with, “My God, my Love…” and beautifully enters into conversation asking God to open our hearts and our minds to what He wanted us to say. She asked that we would be filled with courage and strength to be real with the others on our team and that we would listen and abide to the nudge telling us to speak with confidence. Alye ended with saying whenever we felt led, to just have a chat with our Father. After a prolonged silence, Jenna spoke. At first the room was tense, as if this whole thing was forced and unwanted. People were looking around at others instead of going away to their own little world, and things became uncomfortable. Jenna started with the little things- school, parents, and college decisions. Then she got deeper. She talked as if she was lying in bed after a long day and about to go to sleep. She spoke as if no one was around and she was free to take off her mask of a “happy girl”. She talked about things that worried her about her health and her insecurities with herself. She cried and I gently grabbed her hand and squeezed it as she squeezed back.  She continued on as if she was detached from our TEC world and crawled up in someone’s arms while venting. When she finished she buried her face into her hands, tucking her legs up and close to her body while the flood of people sitting in awe of her boldness started to budge inch by inch closer to embrace her.

The sniffles of people filled the silence and another voice welcomed us into their soul. They hesitantly but dauntlessly opened the book to their life and let us search for the failures and mistakes and the things that deemed them weak by the worlds standards while it bound us together, both physically and internally. The last person spoke shakily and full of gratitude as they concluded the conversation. I opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the light I looked up at the people around me. The ocean of tears were fearlessly flowing out of our eyes as we clung on to the necks of the person next to us and realized that these people were just like us and didn’t judge us. 90 minutes. 90 minutes of prayer and for the first time I can remember I felt like I belonged. Like I had a purpose and that my life was forever changed. I looked into Jenna’s small blue eyes and grasped her and held on tightly just after I lightly pressed my lips to her cheek.

well, lets be honest.

‘You don’t have to pretend to be alright. You hear me? If you’re not alright, the worst thing you can do is pretend that you are. Because nobody’s going to know to encourage you and you could be dying on the inside. If you’re dying on the inside, you need to be dying on the outside. You need to flush so much of this religious jargon garbage down the toilet. Jesus loved honest people, even honest people who were so ashamed of what they were being honest about that they couldn’t talk to him, they could only sob. “The broken and contrite in spirit, I do not despise.’ -Matt Chandler

Something that I have noticed about myself recently is how much I try to run away from what I’m going through. All the while I tell my friends and people who look up to me that they need to be honest with themselves and the life they are living-if you’re going through something tough, don’t run away and get upset that no one came after you. Not once had it occurred to me that I myself was trying to find the best hiding spot I could. 

Before coming into college I got coffee with all of the seniors from my youth group and our youth pastor and his friend who is involved with a campus ministry at UNL. That night we talked about how difficult college was going to be, not just educational wise or the temptation to party, but that for the first time in our lives we would be fully trusting God. Before moving out on our own and facing the world without our parents, we were ‘trusting’ God to an extent but we also had our families safety net to fall back on. Growing up would mean no more parents there to fall back on, but simply God. 

While most of the people around me were starting to get scared, I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to see where God was going to take me, what friends He was going to place around me, and what rainbows from the storms He was going to produce in my life. 

The campus ministry guy had mentioned that the hardest part of our journey would be that we would have to actively and purposely pursue God. Going to church on Sundays probably wasn’t going to cut it. He told us to get involved with many campus ministries and bible studies and make them a high priority. Because if we didn’t, he said that saddest thing was that the kids he has talked to about college they honestly think their relationship with God is the best they have ever had, and he said that it was so clear that while they were not moving forward with their relationship, they had moved farther away. 

I’m not sure why I thought of this today, but it made me realize that while I am involved with a wonderful campus ministry and bible studies and surrounded by one of the best christian communities I have found, I still feel empty. My prayer life since college started? its gotten pushed out of the way from homework and any sleep I can find time for. Reading my bible? Only at bible study, and rarely on my own. Church on Sunday’s isn’t enough for me; I’m still thirsty for more. Don’t get me wrong, I love God with my whole heart, but what is failing is my actions and my attitude in response to that. 

So this is all I can think to do- I don’t want to run anymore, so this is me letting you guys know that I’m struggling.

xoxo

John 3:30

Jesus must become greater, I must become less. 

funny how that says MUST and not should…

Today I need the reminder that it’s not about me, it’s all about God. All of this. Everything that is going on in my life is for His glory. 

We have to stop being selfish and once we do that we can start to become more like Jesus, and we can use what God has given us to bring Him glory.

xoxo

‘but He said to me, ‘my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.’ -2 Corinthians 12:9

Tonight in my freshman connections bible study, our leader shared this verse with us. It’s one that I have heard before and one that I loveeeeee! But it is also one that I seem to always forget and one that is hard to really trust in. 

His power is made perfect in weakness 

So when I complain about how I’m not as smart as this person or not as ‘put together’ as that person, should I really be complaining? Because it is in MY weakness that HIS power is made perfect. His grace turns my insecurities and all of my short comings into something beautiful. how cool is our God? (:

xoxo

As a woman, our deepest doubt is that we are beautiful. When it come to the issue surrounding beauty we alternate between striving and surrendering. We want to beautiful, but we just don’t think we have it in us. We try new clothes, new diets, new hair styles, and yet nothing seems to be working so we just give up. Hiding is much easier, and who cares anyways? Put up that shield and get on with life. Hide in your busy school schedule; hide in church activities; hide in depression. There is nothing breathtaking about me. Certainly not inside of me.

When you were a little girl, you played dress up and always wanted daddy’s attention. You wanted to know if you were lovely. Then middle school happened and girls got catty, and boys turned into d-bags. Many of what women do in their adult life is fueled by her longing of being delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irresistible, to have someone say, ‘Yes! You are lovely.’

Why isn’t what God says about us change how we feel? Why don’t I feel like I am captivating when I know that He made me perfect in every way?

The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”

“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” 

“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’”

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too.(Gen. 3:1-6)

The woman was convinced. That’s it? Just like that? In a matter of moments? Convinced of what? Look in to your own heart- you’ll see. Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust His heart for her. Convinced that in order to have the best life ever she had to take matters into her own hands. And so she did. 

So women are cursed with loneliness (relational heartache) and with the urge to control (especially her man). Isn’t that true? Aren’t your deepest worries and heartaches relational? Don’t they all get connected back to someone? 

As hard as it is, trust God. Trust His heart for you; trust that He has made you so incredibly perfect just the way you are; trust that He isn’t holding out on you. 

You were beautifully and purposefully created. Not mistakenly or horribly so. 

xoxo

it's been awhile, Jesus

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11

‘there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. He has made everything beautiful in its time.’

There is a season for every activity under heaven.

EVERY activity? So like, every person has a time, or season, for happiness? and also sadness? So Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said, ‘In this world you will have troubles…’ was He?

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think about all of the good seasons of life, those are the ones that stick out the most. They are also the times where I trusted God the most. Makes sense, I mean nothing was making me think ‘ummmm Jesus…are You sure You want me to have this much joy right now?’ Nothing was making me question His plans for me.

The bad seasons though, man don’t get me started. Sadness and anger taking away my joy. Those are the times where my faith is put to the test. That is when I start thinking, ‘seriously God?! whyyyy meeee?’ and usually throw myself a pity party.

But Jesus wasn’t trying to hide anything from us. He straight up tells us all that we WILL have troubles. But the reason why I’m a believer is because of the hope that He says next. He says ‘In this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world.’ Do you guys realize what that means for us? That means that we can walk around in victroy knowing that one day Jesus will make everything beautiful. He will take the hurt, sadness, betrayal, lonleness, and unjust times and make them beautiful in its time. He uses you for bigger things.

If I am so quick to put my hope, trust, and faith in God during the good seasons, why doesn’t He deserve my hope, trust, and faith during the bad ones too? And the truth is, when I look back on some of the most dark times of my life, they have ALL been turned into beauty from God’s grace. And although at the time I was unhappy and desperate for answers and full of shame, I would not take back any of them. Because it is when unjust things are happening that He is with me. And same with you.

So may you realize that God’s agenda isn’t to teach a lesson, but about redemption. and may you put your hope, trust, and faith in that God will make everything beautiful in its time.

Now go listen to Beautiful Things by Gungor. :)

xoxo

Today You, Tomorrow Me.

I read this on someone else's blog, enjoy!!

Just about every time I see someone I stop. I kind of got out of the habit in the last couple of years, moved to a big city and all that, my girlfriend wasn’t too stoked on the practice. Then some shit happened to me that changed me and I am back to offering rides habitually. If you would indulge me, it is long story and has almost nothing to do with hitch hiking other than happening on a road.

This past year I have had 3 instances of car trouble. A blow out on a freeway, a bunch of blown fuses and an out of gas situation. All of them were while driving other people’s cars which, for some reason, makes it worse on an emotional level. It makes it worse on a practical level as well, what with the fact that I carry things like a jack and extra fuses in my car, and know enough not to park, facing downhill, on a steep incline with less than a gallon of fuel.

Anyway, each of these times this shit happened I was DISGUSTED with how people would not bother to help me. I spent hours on the side of the freeway waiting, watching roadside assistance vehicles blow past me, for AAA to show. The 4 gas stations I asked for a gas can at told me that they couldn’t loan them out “for my safety” but I could buy a really shitty 1-gallon one with no cap for $15. It was enough, each time, to make you say shit like “this country is going to hell in a handbasket.”

But you know who came to my rescue all three times? Immigrants. Mexican immigrants. None of them spoke a lick of the language. But one of those dudes had a profound affect on me.

He was the guy that stopped to help me with a blow out with his whole family of 6 in tow. I was on the side of the road for close to 4 hours. Big jeep, blown rear tire, had a spare but no jack. I had signs in the windows of the car, big signs that said NEED A JACK and offered money. No dice. Right as I am about to give up and just hitch out there a van pulls over and dude bounds out. He sizes the situation up and calls for his youngest daughter who speaks english. He conveys through her that he has a jack but it is too small for the Jeep so we will need to brace it. He produces a saw from the van and cuts a log out of a downed tree on the side of the road. We rolled it over, put his jack on top, and bam, in business. I start taking the wheel off and, if you can believe it, I broke his tire iron. It was one of those collapsible ones and I wasn’t careful and I snapped the head I needed clean off. Fuck.

No worries, he runs to the van, gives it to his wife and she is gone in a flash, down the road to buy a tire iron. She is back in 15 minutes, we finish the job with a little sweat and cussing (stupid log was starting to give), and I am a very happy man. We are both filthy and sweaty. The wife produces a large water jug for us to wash our hands in. I tried to put a 20 in the man’s hand but he wouldn’t take it so I instead gave it to his wife as quietly as I could. I thanked them up one side and down the other. I asked the little girl where they lived, thinking maybe I could send them a gift for being so awesome. She says they live in Mexico. They are here so mommy and daddy can pick peaches for the next few weeks. After that they are going to pick cherries then go back home. She asks if I have had lunch and when I told her no she gave me a tamale from their cooler, the best fucking tamale I have ever had.

So, to clarify, a family that is undoubtedly poorer than you, me, and just about everyone else on that stretch of road, working on a seasonal basis where time is money, took an hour or two out of their day to help some strange dude on the side of the road when people in tow trucks were just passing me by. Wow…

But we aren’t done yet. I thank them again and walk back to my car and open the foil on the tamale cause I am starving at this point and what do I find inside? My fucking $20 bill! I whirl around and run up to the van and the guy rolls his window down. He sees the $20 in my hand and just shaking his head no like he won’t take it. All I can think to say is “Por Favor, Por Favor, Por Favor” with my hands out. Dude just smiles, shakes his head and, with what looked like great concentration, tried his hardest to speak to me in English:

“Today you…. tomorrow me.”

Rolled up his window, drove away, his daughter waving to me in the rear view. I sat in my car eating the best fucking tamale of all time and I just cried. Like a little girl. It has been a rough year and nothing has broke my way. This was so out of left field I just couldn’t deal.

In the 5 months since I have changed a couple of tires, given a few rides to gas stations and, once, went 50 miles out of my way to get a girl to an airport. I won’t accept money. Every time I tell them the same thing when we are through:

“Today you…. tomorrow me.”